3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
