I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize