Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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