woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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