Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
