I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
