I wish my penis had an off switch
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
