what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
