Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't deserve a penis
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
