someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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