Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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