So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
