I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
