It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
