If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
