the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
