guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
