The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
