I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize