i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
