I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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