Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
