My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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