Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
