Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
