and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
