How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
