did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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