So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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