Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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