There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
