she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
