My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
