I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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