I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sorry about my life...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
