Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
3pm strippers are depressing
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
