just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
