Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
