I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
