Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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