I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
