I feel great
I just peed on a car
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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