i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
