Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
