his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
