Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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