I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
