Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
