I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize