Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
