life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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