I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
