He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
