A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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