I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
FUCK WHALES
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
