3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
