On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you didnt know i had herpes?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Less talking, more tequila
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
