"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
