And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
