I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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